


Retrouvaille: Repeating Apologies

by internetboyfriends



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Broken Bones, Crying, Hospitalization, M/M, Multishipping, OTP Feels, Titans, ereri, eruri - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-12
Updated: 2014-02-12
Packaged: 2018-01-12 03:55:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1181583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/internetboyfriends/pseuds/internetboyfriends
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blaming yourself won't change anything. We're still here, aren't we? We made it through another day. We're still alive. So please... please stop crying. (One-shot)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Retrouvaille: Repeating Apologies

**Author's Note:**

> Not entirely sure on how extensive medical technology is in this series (though I’m pretty sure it’s not much despite maneuver gear), so bear with me, I’m adding a few of my own “creative” aspects here.
> 
> Personally, I'm really torn with this story because I do ship Ereri, but I also ship Eruri, so writing this was definitely difficult. I posted it up on FF.net a couple weeks ago and I regret it a lot. This is a much better, more thoroughly worked version, I think.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

 

Don’t cry, damn it. Don’t look at me with those eyes. Fucking brat… Fucking… Ugh. Stop it.

“I’m so sorry. This is all my fault…”

Yeah. If it weren’t for you, I’d-

No.

I can’t think like that. It’s not. It’s not this stupid kid’s fault.

It’s _mine_.

I shouldn’t have asked that of you. I shouldn’t have dragged you in so deep…

“I only wanted to make you proud… I’ll never forgive myself for the pain I’ve caused you.”

 _Proud_? Are you hearing yourself, you fucking idiot.

“I wasn’t thinking… I should have listened to you more. My feelings got in the way and I know that’s no kind of excuse, but-”

Please don’t. Please do not apologize again. My heart can’t take it.

“Levi, I’m sorry.”

Stupid brat. Fuck-

“E… Eren…” _Stop crying._

 

* * *

 

“How is he doing? Is he going to be okay? When will he wake up? Can I see him?” One frantic question after the other came spilling from Eren Jaeger’s lips so quickly that Hanji barely had time to process the answers.

Wide jade eyes stared back into hers and she did her best to mask her concern as she placed her hands on his shoulders. He was trembling… and still suffering from a post-shift fever, whether he realized it or not. “Eren, breathe,” she said calmly, attempting to offer a comforting smile. Albeit, she, too, was struggling to stay calm. “You’ve only just woken up. You’re still overheated. How are you feeling?”

“I don’t care,” he snapped, brows so deeply knitted together she feared they’d never come undone. “Is he okay?”

A sigh wiped away the scientist’s grin, replacing it with deep remorse. She let go of the young soldier and leaned against the door. The weight of her own body had her feeling like she was going to cave in the door. All of the stress was piling up on her, making her feel heavier and heavier each passing night, as she struggled to keep her friend alive. Even she couldn’t believe the damage dealt. It was a shock to everyone. Soldiers were killed and wounded everyday. They’d prepared themselves for it since the beginning of their training. But nobody thought it could or would ever happen to Levi.

Humanity’s strongest… right…?

“I don’t want to lie to you… It’s bad.” Hanji lifted her glasses to rub her eyes.

“But is he-”

“Levi is more resilient than he looks. You know this; however… his injuries are severe. He is very weak and very sick.”

“H-how…” Eren couldn’t work is words around the hard lump in his throat. Tears streamed down his cheeks and he felt as though chunks of his heart were slowly falling off and dissolving in his stomach. Little by little, the guilt was eating him alive; taking over like maggots on rotting meat. “How could I have screwed this up so badly…”

_Why can’t death just leave me alone?_

“You shouldn’t blame yourself,” Hanji continued in her endeavor to comfort the young soldier. She still struggled not to see him as the fifteen-year-old she’d first met three years ago. He had grown so much, stood taller, fought harder, and thought faster. Though it was difficult to see him as an adult when he was crying like this. Despite his maturing, his wild emotions had yet to be tamed. If they had at all, Hanji would say his passion and level of understanding had certainly improved. On the downside, with that passion and understanding came his inability to take in a situation like this. But how was he supposed to process such a thing when even his superiors were barely keeping it together. “We are in a war, Eren. You’ve heard him say it time and time again that all you can do is believe you made the right choice… You made the choice to fight using the only resource you had left. You did what you thought would help you survive and you’re still holding on. You’re both still alive. I promise you, you made a good decision.”

“Then why do I keep feeling like I’m making the _wrong_ ones!? Levi- He’s… he’s-” Eren was falling apart, both looking and feeling like any moment he would go white as stone and crumble into ash.

It was all Hanij could do to sound as reassuring as possible. “He’s going to heal. In time. We will take care of him the best we can. He _will_ get better. I promise you that much. He is in the best care we can offer.”

Eren clenched his fists so hard he could feel his fingernails breaking through the skin of his palms. “He’s going to hate me…”

“Only for a minute or two,” the scientist teased delicately, though she could see by the the look on his face that her joke had fallen flat as soon as it escaped her lips.

“Can I please-” Eren inhaled sharply, perhaps as some sort of attempt to stop his tears, “Can I please see him… _Please_ …”

He knew it sounded pathetic to beg, even briefly considering how Levi might react if he heard him now. The Lance Corporal would probably call him an “idiot” or a “shitty brat” and tell him to shut his whiny mouth. Even if had to sound cruel, Eren didn’t care. He just wanted to see for himself - he needed to know, firsthand, that Levi was going to make it another day.

“You should go back to bed. You need to rest. I’m sure Mikasa will worry if she returns to finds you gone. She’s barely left your side, you know.”

With a clenched jaw, Eren growled in protest. “I’ve rested enough. I’m fine.”

He’d go back to bed soon. Soon. But there was something he was needing much more than rest. Rest could wait.

Knowing there was no arguing with him, Hanji continued to stall and block the door. While she had faith in Eren’s abilities as a titan shifter and his growth in the last several years, his emotions had always been somewhat intimidating. She feared that despite the death and horror he’d seen since joining the Survey Corps, that this was different. This wasn’t a friend or fellow soldier. This was Levi. And to Eren Jaeger, the Corporal was indestructible. Omnipotent.

“I never thought it was fair… the way we let kids become soldiers and throw their lives away before they’ve ever gotten a chance to have one… Our government is cruel… Fifteen is much too young to be a soldier.”

Eren’s head hung low. “I’ll be nineteen in a month. I’m not a kid anymore.”

Unable to muster up a retort, Hanji stepped away from the door. The expression Eren now wore on his face was convincing enough for her. It read, “I’m done.”

Nothing more. Nothing less. It was the face of someone who had been defeated too many times to be defeated again while simultaneously lost on what to do next. He wasn’t ready to give up, but he had no where to go from here.

He’d made it this far hadn’t he? With Levi guiding him over the years, Eren had better control now than he’d ever had as a kid. And through all the death and destruction surrounding him at a rate of constantly, maybe he had it together better than almost anyone else. Perhaps his lack of control wasn’t really lacking, but rather his way of working it out. Either way, whatever remnants of childlike innocence he had once held onto had completely disappeared since his most recent transformation. Hanji wouldn’t blame him. She couldn’t. It was impossible for her to imagine what it had been like for Eren and Levi in the days that they’d been missing.

Had they been found mere moments later, the titans would have torn them to shreds. It was a miracle that Armin and Erwin’s strategy had worked. Knowing Eren would have to shift after so long was the only hope they had of finding their lost comrades, but it was too close a call and the only functional plan they had. Additionally, the weather was not on their side and a harsh storm provided no hope for a search expedition.

They’d been lost for days… stranded without horses or food… completely out of gas in their maneuver gear tanks… With no idea where they were headed or where they could go, waiting was all that the two could do. Eren had begged Levi to allow him to shift sooner, but the Corporal had been insistent that it was a bad idea, saying things along the lines of, “How long have you been doing this, dumbass? You know your shifting will only attract more of them.”

Eren wouldn’t deny that Levi was almost always right, but he’d at least figured it would get them out of the woods. Levi was still sure it would be a bad move, telling Eren, “If you want to shift, shift. But remember that we have no idea where we are or what direction to go in. The trees are too dense and what little sunlight we’d usually be able to see is covered by the clouds and the rain. Erwin will send a search and rescue team soon. They’ll find us. We wait.”

Everything about that plan frustrated the younger soldier. If he could transform into his titan body, what did it matter? They could run and escape the woods, regroup with their fellow soldiers, and fill their stomachs with much needed sustenance. And then he was reminded that things were never as easy as they seemed inside his head. It would never be that simple. If he exhausted himself or lost control, they were fucked. On top of that, every transformation he made left him exhausted for days at a time.

Unfortunately for the duo, Levi didn’t seem to have much faith in his own words. He insisted that someone was looking for them, but as the nights passed and his body grew weaker, it was obvious that his trust in his fellow soldiers was waning.

Then, on the fifth day, tired of freezing his ass off from the rain and hunger pains twisting his stomach, Eren couldn’t wait anymore. Believing that nobody was coming for them, he had to do the stubborn and stupid thing that landed him here, shamefully avoiding Zoe’s eyes.

“I won’t try to stop you anymore if you really want to see him this much,” the scientist breathed, “Nothing about this is easy… and nothing is going to make it easier. As long as you understand that…”

“I know,” Eren grimaced, meeting her eyes as he pushed the door open with his shoulder.

He entered slowly, quietly shutting the door behind him, and drew in a long, deep breath.

The scene laid out before him was just as solemn as he was expecting, making him feel that much worse.

The bland, neutral tone of the room was dimmed down by the lack of sunlight coming through the window. That same storm which had given them so much hell was still raging; turning everything to gray. An empty desk with a wooden chair sat beneath the window without so much as a vase for even the most subtle indication of life or decoration. A taupe armchair sat in the corner adjacent of the bed, blandly decorated with pristine white sheets and gray blankets, where Corporal Levi slept.

Everything was so clean... So _uncomfortably_ clean.

Approaching slowly and quietly, Eren kept his eyes locked on the older man. His knees trembled and he couldn’t stop clenching his clammy hands into tight fists. Guilt washed over him like a tidal wave ripping through his heart. Over the last several years, he’d seen his leader injured numerous times; however, he’d always seen Levi practically walk it off; treat his wounds like they never happened and carry on fighting. It was par for the course in this line of work. Sprains, cuts, and bruises were common.

This time was different.

The dark circles beneath the Corporal’s eyes were deeper than Eren had ever seen them and small beads of a cold sweat built up and dripped down his forehead, dampening his hairline. Shallow breathing was assisted by a quiet oxygen tank and mask, while a bag of blood gently dripped into a long tube and connected with an IV hooked into his arm. Bandages coiled around his left arm, hiding deep, ugly lacerations that Eren would have nightmares about and several butterfly bandages held together a stitched up cut on the man’s neck. Blankets and sheets were too little to let Eren forget about the broken ribs and wounds to the abdomen. The only clutter in the room was the tubes and bandages framing a frail Levi, keeping him held together, and as uncomfortable as this image made Eren, it was, at the very least, a reminder that the older man was alive.

All of the guilt and shame Eren had ever felt pricked at his eyes in the form of stinging, burning tears. Never in his life had he been so ashamed of himself, but he felt every bit responsible for putting Levi here… like this.

“I didn’t want this…” he whispered, making a weak attempt to blink back his raging emotions.

In the back of his mind, he could hear the Corporal nagging him to suck it up and stop getting so sentimental. He would hate it… He would hate to see that after all this time and after all he’d grown, Eren still cried like a baby when the going got tough.

Making his way to the armchair, Eren flopped down into the seat with his heavy heart weighing on his shoulders. “I didn’t want any of this,” he repeated.

_But what else was I supposed to do?_

His mind raced, searching for another possible outcome and finding none. By their fourth night lost in those woods, he’d found it difficult not to shift. In the pitch black forest, he could hear those gluttonous titans rustling through the trees, searching for the source of the noise above them. Despite the lack of sunlight to give them their energy, there remained those that became determined to find someone to eat when Levi began to cough. The tree tops Eren and Levi were stranded among could only do so much to hide them and, while he had tried to cover up the sound, the cold the Corporal had contracted due to the harsh weather, could only be muffled so much by his sopping wet cloak.

By that fifth night, Levi had clearly come down with a fever and Eren needed to shift. He needed to get them out. He needed the invincible Corporal well. With that goal in mind, he offered the older man a single apology and bit into his hand.

It wasn’t that he didn’t understand the risks. It wasn’t even that he wanted to shift in the first place. It was the sheer look of misery on Levi’s face. That look that begged for a god he didn’t believe in to send help. A look that demanded change only Eren could bring. It was a look that needed an honest to fuck break from all of this hell they were forced to live through each day.

If only Eren had known how much more hell it would bring them…

“I’m so fucking sorry,” he mumbled miserably, burying his face in his hands

Sorry was never going to be enough… But he’d never be able to stop saying it. He hated himself… he hated everything he’d come to be, wishing more than anything that he could take his power back. It seemed to him that he never knew when to use it at the right time. When he didn’t, people died. When he did… people died...

“I’m so sorry. This is all my fault… I only wanted to make you proud. I’ll never forgive myself for the pain I’ve caused you…”

Why couldn’t he be more like Levi? Why couldn’t he think things through and stop being such a fucking moron?

“I wasn’t thinking… I should have listened to you more. My feelings got in the way and I know that’s no kind of excuse, but-”

But they weren’t dishonest feelings… they were of the genuine desire - no, the _need_ \- to help; to protect someone he cared about, someone he admired, someone… someone he damn well loved. And for once in Eren’s life, he wanted to make someone he respected proud of him. He wanted to make what he believed to be the right choice and actually have it be the right choice.

“Levi, I’m sorry…”

Eren made a useless attempt to wipe away his tears with his uniform sleeve, but more continued to flow. Regret cut through him like a blade. He felt pathetic and horrible; like the whole world was caving in on him and there was nothing he could do about it but wait for the pressure to push down so hard that his lungs exploded. He hadn’t felt pain like this in years and it made him feel that much worse taking into consideration how Levi must have been feeling.

“E-Eren…” a subtle whisper broke the teen out of his self-deprivation. “Please… shut up.”

Shooting up from him seat, Eren stared in bewilderment, wide-eyed, at the man in front of him. Exhausted grey eyes met with his. For a moment, he thought maybe he had wandered into a dream.

Levi coughed, regretting opening his mouth at all, and grimaced as both dull and sharp pains attacked lungs and ribcage. It was ridiculous that he would try to speak at all given his current state. That said, he would have rather endured his agony than put Eren through anymore emotional torment. Watching the kid suffer was hurting his heart more than it hurt him to breathe.

“C-Corporal!?”

Levi reached for the oxygen mask and pulled it down, only enough to speak more clearly.

“Yeah, kid... Still here,” he breathed, carefully blinking his tired steal eyes.

Jade green orbs fixated on him, wider than he’d ever witnessed before. Eren wore nothing less than a look of shock and discomfort. Levi hated it.

_He’s pitying me._

Clammy fingers carefully wrapped around Levi’s hand as Eren stood over him. Puffy eyelids and bloodshot whites brought out the fierce green of his eyes.

Had he any strength at all, the corporal would have pulled away. Unfortunately for him, he was stuck; too exhausted to move beyond each painful breath he took. Every twitch of muscle exhausted him and his head was almost too heavy to allow him to think.

“I’m so sorry… you probably hate me…” Eren whined. Or, at least, whining was what it sounded like to Levi.

One way or another, it was clear that the titan shifter’s feelings were real and the corporal would do what he could in his delirious and pain-filled state to endure and not forget who was truly at fault for their disaster.

_I’m the one who got us separated, not the kid. I’m the one who decided to wait and kept my mouth shut when I stopped believing they would come._

“Stop,” he breathed, making a frail attempt to squeeze Eren’s hand in return.

He would try to keep his sentences short and hoped Eren would be understanding of just how difficult it was to speak; though he worried he’d come off as too cold and dig an even deeper hole for the two of them.

“No… I mean it…” the ever-so-predictable Jaeger retorted. “And you should… I screwed up…”

_No, you didn’t, stupid brat. Don’t do this to yourself. Not again._

“Please… Eren…”

Adding to the misery he already felt, memories of the past came rushing back. Petra’s face flashed through his mind, along with the rest of his old squad. A sharp pang made his heart jump with the acknowledgement of their passing. As if the nightmares hadn’t haunted him and Eren enough… They’d never stop. It was something both had to come to terms with long ago.

However…

Eren would never stop blaming himself for that day. He would never stop feeling the guilt of letting Levi down by making the wrong choice. And now he had to feel it all over again… that unforgiving sensation of guilt that would keep him wide awake for days at a time, just so he wouldn’t have to face those demons in a restless sleep.

“Please don’t hate me, Corporal…” Eren said, choking back tears and squeezing Levi’s hand even harder. “If you wanna kill me, go ahead, but please… don’t hate me.”

The older man coughed into his mask, unable to suppress the shock he felt toward Eren saying such things. What made him think he wanted him dead? What made him feel such unbearable shame? Hadn’t they come too far over the years for this stupid brat to think he hated him so much that he would kill him?

While it was true that he’d always posed the threat, Levi never had any real intention of killing Eren. Especially now. Too many years of comradery had come and gone since the teen’s most monstrous side had been revealed. Times had changed.

Levi closed his eyes, drawing in the deepest breath his broken ribs would allow. He didn’t want to speak right now. He didn’t want to say a word. But if it meant bringing Eren comfort, he would do his best, just as he always had before.

“Eren…” he whispered weakly, sliding his hand out of Eren’s. “Please… Stop… Stop this…”

“But I-”

“Enough,” Levi cut him off, barely gathering enough strength to lift his arm to place a trembling hand atop the younger man’s head.

A deep frown kept his eyebrows closely knitted together as he stared Eren down. They were somewhat threatening in a way that Eren knew he needed to relax or he’d pay for it later. And yet… they were so, so very tired. The kind of tired that couldn’t care anymore… that wanted to quit right here and now… that couldn’t escape all the mess... “I- I’m sorry… I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do…”

Levi sighed, slipping the oxygen mask down around his neck, and spoke slowly while dragging his hand in a gentle caress down Eren’s face. “You get it together... and _stop_ apologizing for something that isn’t your fault... That’s what you do. That’s all _any_ of us can do.”

A fresh onslaught of tears welled in the titan shifter’s eyes. Ashamed, he turned his face away from the corporal as they forced their way down his cheeks. He couldn’t bear to look at him when he said such things. He couldn’t bear to accept that there wasn’t more he could have and should have done to protect the older man.

“Beating yourself up about it now won’t do either of us any favors, Eren… You did the very best you could... in a desperate situation… You made a choice that needed to be made… Ngh… Y-you...”

The corporal’s words were less than comforting when coupled with the look of sheer agony written all over his face. He was using so much energy in forcing the words past his lips that his breathing had become ragged and he suddenly found himself overwhelmed by a coughing fit.

“F-fuck…” he wheezed, clutching at his side.

His steel colored eyes welled with tears and streaked his face with salty trails.

Panic filled Eren’s heart instantaneously. “Corporal! I’m getting Han-”

“No… Stay…” Eren was cut off by Levi grabbing hold of his wrist as he turned to fetch help..

A mix of relief and bafflement settled over Eren. “A-are you sure? Do you need anything? Water? Medicine?”

Levi rolled his eyes. “No… just… just calm down… I’m okay.”

“Y-you shouldn’t be talking in your condition,” Eren attempted to silence Levi for fear of being run down by guilt if he was taken over by another coughing fit. He reached out a hand, delicately brushing Levi's wet eyes dry with his thumb. “It’s just gonna make it harder on you. Save what little energy you have to heal...”

“Don’t tell me what to do, brat,” Levi huffed, attempting to joke, but coming off more as if he was angry rather than playful. Optimism had never been his strong suit. “You already have me awake.”

The makings of a smile tugged at the corner of Eren’s lips, but he still refused to make eye contact again. Out of understanding and exhaustion, Levi didn’t make any sort of attempt to get the kid’s gaze back. He knew he’d be listening when he had something to say and vice-versa.

A long silence thickened the air with an awkward and painful tension before Eren spoke again. “I didn’t want you to get more sick… Instead I almost got you killed… Anyone else would be dead… except for, maybe, Mikasa...”

 _Have you forgotten? I’m_ not _anyone else._

“You mean too much to me. But even then… I should have waited, like you said. They would have found us eventually, wouldn’t they? And none of this would have happened. None of it. Hanji says you’ll heal eventually, but-”

_I see… No, Eren. You were right. You did the right thing. I’m the one who tried to fight when I was unprepared. I should have left it to you. I caused this mess._

“But… I couldn’t… I couldn’t live with myself if you had died out there.”

The corporal grimaced and sighed. Either way, they’d been at risk to die. Countless times over the years, they had taken risk after risk. It was just part of the game. Everyday was a gamble. How was Eren still missing that point?

_Accidents happen. Mistakes were made. In the long run, you saved my life._

“But I didn’t,” Levi affirmed, “I’m still here… so stop sulking already...”

Eren visibly tensed at the older man’s words, yet still finally gathered the fortitude to face him again. Tears streamed down his face more than ever now and, no matter how hard he tried to hold them back, they were going to win in the end and he didn’t have enough dry sleeve to continuously wipe them away. Whether they were tears of joy, guilt, relief… he wasn’t even sure anymore. It was impossible to tell. All he could feel was Corporal Levi next to him, alive, warm, and, albeit with some difficulty, breathing. For now, he had to accept that it was enough.

“I’m sorry.”

Levi stared Eren down. He deserved at least that much, didn’t he? An apology. The teen given far too many while the corporal had given none.

Unsure of how he was even supposed to react, Eren gave Levi’s words a moment to sink in. Looking back on their cold, rainy nights trapped in that forest, he could finally understand where his leader’s apology was coming from. They were both desperate to escape… to survive… Blaming themselves or each other wouldn’t change anything now. They were alive and, although they were beaten down and exhausted, their strength would come back to them.

Eren shifted, turning his body toward Levi. The pain in his heart was still too vast to bring a smile to his face. He couldn’t stand to see the best of the best lying there so helplessly; barely able to move, let alone fight. This short conversation had clearly taken even more out of Levi than he had to offer. He was already drifting back to sleep.

Swallowing his shame, Eren leaned over to readjust the oxygen mask that Levi was too tired to remember. But before he could place it over the corporal’s mouth, he was struck by a sudden whim to press his lips into the older man’s.

Whether or not the Corporal lived or died, regardless of how or when, Eren knew this would be his only opportunity. The possible consequences made no difference.

Dipping down, he gently pressed his lips into Levi’s, closing his eyes to reel in the sensation; to breathe in this short moment while the time was granted to him.

Accepting of his fate, Levi’s eyes barely opened at the sensation of the kiss, but he felt that titan heat rush through every nerve in his body while Eren’s tears dripped down his cheeks. Had he the strength, he might have kissed him back. Instead, he refrained, taking it all in as the sensation temporarily chased his physical agony away. The love that the teen felt for him had been evident within his actions for years. There was satisfaction in finally seeing them expressed, even if they went mostly unreciprocated. The honesty was appreciated. Aside from the heat, Eren’s lips were soft and delicate; not what Levi expected at all. He wasn’t an aggressive kisser. He was gentle, but bold.

When Eren finally pulled away, Levi blinked back what very little confusion he felt. For the most part, he understood the younger man’s actions thoroughly. In fact, he was more perplexed as to why Eren had these feelings at all. Their eyes were locked on to one another’s, saying everything they needed to through a simple gaze.

Eren knew not to expect to ever get away with something like that again, but it was all he needed in order to know he had been completely forgiven. Picking up where he had left off, he gently repositioned the mask over Levi’s mouth and stood. He’d barely found the time to take a step back before the corporal gently slipped out of consciousness.

Still distracted by his sudden impulse, Eren nearly missed the sound of the door opening and closing behind him.

Expecting to see Hanji, Eren did his best to suppress his shock.

“C-Commander…” he greeted an equally surprised Erwin Smith.

Appearing almost as exhausted as Levi, Erwin offered a quiet nod as his greeting. He was disheveled and unshaven; noticeably less composed and moving slowly toward the bed. His hair, messy, fell just above his thick eyebrows. Since losing his arm several years prior, he wasn’t quite the commander anymore. Unable to play the field physically, he was more of a military strategist now; training the minds of worthy soldiers, such as Armin, to push the Survey Corps closer to victory. Alas, he appreciated that Eren still offered him the same level respect and the title. “How is he?” he asked, deep voice just above a whisper as not to wake Levi.

“I… I think he’s okay…” Eren answered, sinking back a couple of steps. “He woke up… but not for long… He’s still coughing a lot, though.”

“He needs as much rest as we can give him,” Erwin stated, hovering over Levi. Removing a handkerchief from his pocket, he delicately dabbed the sweat from the smaller man’s forehead and out of his hair. “Thank you, Eren.”

“W-what are you-”

“For saving him. I read your report on the incident this morning. I know he can be stubborn and you did the right thing.”

Eren sighed, still feeling guilty for making the dangerous decision to shift in the first place. Forgiveness hadn’t yet drown out his personal opinions. He didn’t feel as though he deserved Erwin’s appreciation. “I only tried to do what I thought would save him…”

Erwin listened to Eren intently. If anything, he was the one who should have felt ashamed for his own decisions. “I know what you’re thinking. You didn’t choose wrong. I’m sorry that we had to wait for you to shift before we could send assistance. I’m sorry you had to wait so long for help to arrive.”

Backing up against the door, Eren hung his head. Unsure of the long history between the corporal and the commander, he could tell by the seriousness on Erwin’s face that he was truly appreciative and concerned. It wouldn’t have surprised him at all if the blond had been here most of the time, watching over Levi; tending to his wounds and making him feel comfortable in his time of need.

“Can you forgive me?” Erwin’s tone carried the subtle hints of a plea.

Eren understood; knowing well enough by now that Erwin Smith always had a reason for the choices he made, even if they were unclear to him. “Y-yes… Of course.”

“Good,” he smiled faintly, pocketing his handkerchief and seating himself on the bed at Levi’s side. “You look like you could use some more sleep, Eren. I’ll take it from here.”

Taken aback, Eren gave Erwin a confused look before understanding what the former commander was implying. It wasn’t a suggestion. It was a sugarcoated order to leave him be while he stayed with Levi.

“Y… yes, sir…” the young soldier accepted defeat, deciding it best not to spend anymore of his time arguing - especially with Erwin Smith.

He said what needed to be said. Through his actions and his words, Levi knew the truth and had forgiven him. What more could he have asked for?

But Eren still couldn’t fight the pang of jealousy toward Erwin as he left the room to return to his own. Before him was something he couldn’t touch. And yet… as long as the corporal made it through another day, that somehow felt like enough. That’s what he had to keep telling himself - over and over again if necessary.

Clashing emotions were draining. He was so tired, not only from the fight, but from the constant tempest raging inside of him; swirling and twisting his feelings around and around between his heart and his head.

Eren retreated back to his room, feeling now that he sincerely needed time to rest and recover with his spirit as drained as his body. His friends would begin to worry if he continued to push himself so hard. Mikasa and Armin had fought hard in the cold rain to save him. And it wasn’t the first time everyone he cared about had risked their asses to ensure his survival. After years of these constant hardships, he didn’t want to disappoint them by wearing himself too thin. As much as he wanted to stay by Levi’s side, he recognized that now was not the time.

“Eren…” Mikasa greeted him with calm surprise as he returned to his room. She was just preparing herself to enter with a tray of hot tea; not expecting to find him wandering about the halls.

“Is this for me?” he asked with a forced smile and held the door open for her.

She nodded, offering him sympathetic eyes. He knew she could see through his fake grin. She'd always been able to see through it. By now Eren knew the routine. A shift meant a good, long rest and plenty to eat. She had no reason to remind him; however, she could see that something else was on his mind.

“Thank you…”

“Levi… is he…?”

“He’s in good hands,” Eren nodded and took a sip of his tea. Setting it on his bedside table, he slipped back between his sheets and waited for Mikasa to join him as she always had. If there was anything good to come out of his recovery, it was the way she curled her body around his, pressing so closely into his back that he could feel her heart beat syncing up with his own. Her unwavering love and loyalty would never be unappreciated and Eren resented himself for each time he’d ever been cruel to her. He hated to see her upset. She was far too beautiful and far too wonderful to deserve anymore pain than life had already given her. Regardless of her stable sense of mind, she deserved whatever happiness and thanks he could offer her. “And so am I.”

They laid together quietly, her fingers tenderly combing through his wild hair until the tension in his muscles began to ease and he could sleep, hopefully, without another nightmare. She would be here for him always, just as Erwin would be there for Levi. The Survey Corps was a family. In this time of need, they’d take care of each other. They all would.

In his final moments of consciousness for the remainder of the day, Eren only had one thought repeating in his mind.

_Please take care of him, Erwin. Please make sure he stays alive._

 

* * *

 

Meanwhile, the former commander continued his close watch over Levi, prepared to protect him and succumb to his every possible need. He watched the slow, ragged rise and fall of the smaller man’s chest, wishing there was something more he could do to ease his pain. The blond worried, continuing to catch the beads of sweat before they had time to trickle down Levi’s face. Another dose of morphine might have helped if Hanji would allow it, but for now, Erwin would do what he could with what little he had to offer his closest companion.

“You were so brave,” he spoke gently. “I’m sorry I had to leave you to endure on your own for so long.”

Levi grimaced and his body tensed. It was obvious he’d been feigning sleep, or at least trying to get back to it, with Eren in the room. Now, with Erwin in such close proximity since the first time he’d woken up in this bed, he was finding it difficult to get there. It had been too long since he consciously felt the larger man’s warmth seep into his own skin.

Erwin smiled, chuckling softly, “I know. You’re angry with me.”

“Tch.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t come for you sooner. The weather certainly was not in our favor, but I’m here now. And I’m not going anywhere you can’t find me.”

“Tch...”

“You should be impressed with yourself, Levi. You killed six titans without any gas in your maneuver gear. That’s a first for any soldier who isn’t blessed with shifting capabilities. Humanity’s strongest, indeed.”

Opening his eyes, Levi shot Erwin a killer glare, letting the blond know that his jokes were not amusing him. It didn’t matter. Erwin was still entertained, looking on the brightside of a very dark week. To say he was relieved was a severe understatement.

Regardless of his injuries, Levi had continued to fight, refusing to die by the hands of the titans so easily. It was not until plummeting through the treetops that he stopped fighting, but without Eren to catch him, he surely would have died.

Truthfully, the agony rippling through his body was nothing in comparison he felt toward the elation of being reunited with Erwin. Nothing in the world could match the feeling of being near him. Defeating the titans and beginning life beyond the walls would serve no purpose to either man should the other die. That had been their way for too many years and would continue to be their way for more to come; until their dreams were achieved and humanity could reclaim their chance to begin again.

“If anyone could handle a situation like that, you and Jaeger are the two.”

“Shut up…”

“Do you disagree?”

Levi sighed, wishing his wounds would heal just enough for him to snuggle a bit closer to his commander - the only man who could give him orders… the only person he’d be willing to die for. “No.”

Although he’d never say the words out loud for fear of giving Erwin something to brag about or hold over his head, Levi had never missed Erwin more in his life than he did during the days he spent trapped amongst the treetops with Eren. He wouldn’t have showed it to anyone, not ever, how fearful he was considering the possibility of never seeing the blond again. After all, there was nobody he loved and respected more than the man who pulled him out of the shady life he once lived in the underground city. There was nobody else he would completely submit to. Nobody else he’d rather feel beside him.

Eren’s feelings regardless, with Erwin Smith was where Levi needed to be. And it wasn’t that he wanted to disregard Eren. He understood. He knew what it was like and the teen was a reminder. For that, he was grateful and he despised seeing Eren take the fall when the kid never even had a choice. But the teen certainly did not belong with a cranky old man whose heart had already been handed over to someone else years ago.

Someday, he would understand the way Mikasa looked at him and how valuable his life was to her. Someday, he’d be able to recognize that the way she smiled at him was worlds away from how she smiled at anyone else. And someday, he’d realize that the person who had stuck by him through all of his years of hardships, protecting him as he’d once protected her, was where his heart truly belonged.

_Someday, Eren… it will make sense to you…_

“That brat… kissed me…”

Erwin raised a brow, slightly amused. “That would explain the flushed face…”

“Hm…”

“Did you like it?” the blond teased, sensing that Levi wanted him closer.

“No… not particularly…”

“Perhaps you owed him the opportunity, then.” Erwin wasn’t exactly wrong.

The smaller man was becoming impatient, longing for a touch he couldn’t live without. “Tch...”

“I see… Come here.”

Delicately sliding his arm under Levi’s frail body, Erwin pulled the smaller man closer; muttering a string of soft apologies as Levi hissed and winced in pain. The pain in his chest was nothing short of agonizing. Even breathing was a struggle. He coughed again, tears welling up in his eyes as his lungs burned and his ribs were forced expand. At this rate, he feared popping his sutures.

“Ngh… f-fuck…”

“Levi…” Erwin said apologetically, wishing he still had his right arm so that he could wipe the tears from his companion’s eyes. “I’m so sorry…”

The brunette was accepting of this inability, doing his best on his own to suppress salty rivulets from streaming down his cheeks. While he missed the sensation of having two strong arms wrapped around him, he still considered it miraculous that both had made it through such trying times alive. Now, with the former commander spending less time in the field, Levi barely had to worry about losing him in the clutches of a titan. He made a silent vow to himself long ago that he would survive. Today was no different. Today, he would continue to live his life. His wounds would heal and he would continue in his place as Erwin’s right hand.

Erwin was as gentle as he could be without disrupting Levi’s fragile state, but to have him held closely against his own body had to require some sacrifice. Though, once settled, a moment of additional agony was more than worth it for the smaller man to be able to rest his sleepy head over the blond’s beating heart.

“If you love me... don’t ever leave me in the rain like that again…” Levi mumbled miserably into his oxygen mask; voice raw from his continuous coughs. Weakly, he slid his fingers between Erwin’s.

Releasing a sigh, the blond pressed a kiss into the top of Levi’s head and wrapped their tangled arms around the smaller man’s waist, being careful not to disrupt his sensitive sutures and cracked ribs any more than he already had. “I promise you. Never again.”

In his moments before drowsiness truly took hold of him, Levi could only hope Eren Jaeger could someday find the same solace he’d been fortunate enough to be given by Erwin Smith. For love was a reason to live, a place to come home to, and a chance for new beginnings.


End file.
